So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
