absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
