We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
