The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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