You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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