i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
