the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
