I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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