I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
