I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
