Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
