Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
