Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We need to rekindle our bromance
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
