The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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