Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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