i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
