He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
