I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
operation have a gay friend backfired
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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