just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
