Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
