I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
