It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
