I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
