Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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