mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
