I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
