I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
