At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
