Got a toothbrush?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
