When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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