dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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