listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
