I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
