yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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