woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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