I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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