I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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