Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
