someone threw a dead crab at me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
