Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
