Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
