he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
