new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
ttyl tear gas
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
