Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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