I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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