So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
