Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
