i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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