we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
