I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
