Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
