i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
