Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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