my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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