He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
